I finally quit working at the church, although I'm going back to train one day --- maybe two (payroll). It was only eight hours a week (on top of the 40+ during tax season, & 30 when it's not), and the people are great to work with, the job isn't hard, the love flows as freely as the good humor and support. Still, it was just too much, on top of everything else. I kept thinking that I OUGHT to be able to do this. What's wrong with me? Everyone works harder than I do and they don't complain.
Many years ago, my mother got angry with me about something I didn't do and said I was the laziest person on this Earth. She said that kind of thing to me all the time, I think, but that is the time I remember it. It almost killed me. It didn't, of course, but every time I sit down to read or write or enjoy a sunset, I hear a voice telling me that I am the laziest person in the world and that I have work to do. If I try to do something big, the voice says: You'll give it up before you finish & you'll just let everybody down. Everyone knows I am the laziest person on Earth.
I can usually ignore it, but it always there.
So when I thought of quitting my second job, I felt lazy and useless. I thought that we needed the money, and if I gave up reading and blogging and happy hour and gardening, I could do both jobs. I thought if I wasn't so lazy, I could do it all.
Thank god it didn't take a crisis like a very sick child to snap me out of it. It was just Mark's small voice: "Mom, when can I talk to you?"
And when I say, "Snap me out of it" I know it's just for now. Because, really I am the laziest person on this Earth.
Where have you been?
5 years ago