Monday, April 20, 2009

The Laziest Person on This Earth

I finally quit working at the church, although I'm going back to train one day --- maybe two (payroll). It was only eight hours a week (on top of the 40+ during tax season, & 30 when it's not), and the people are great to work with, the job isn't hard, the love flows as freely as the good humor and support. Still, it was just too much, on top of everything else. I kept thinking that I OUGHT to be able to do this. What's wrong with me? Everyone works harder than I do and they don't complain.

Many years ago, my mother got angry with me about something I didn't do and said I was the laziest person on this Earth. She said that kind of thing to me all the time, I think, but that is the time I remember it. It almost killed me. It didn't, of course, but every time I sit down to read or write or enjoy a sunset, I hear a voice telling me that I am the laziest person in the world and that I have work to do. If I try to do something big, the voice says: You'll give it up before you finish & you'll just let everybody down. Everyone knows I am the laziest person on Earth.

I can usually ignore it, but it always there.

So when I thought of quitting my second job, I felt lazy and useless. I thought that we needed the money, and if I gave up reading and blogging and happy hour and gardening, I could do both jobs. I thought if I wasn't so lazy, I could do it all.

Thank god it didn't take a crisis like a very sick child to snap me out of it. It was just Mark's small voice: "Mom, when can I talk to you?"

And when I say, "Snap me out of it" I know it's just for now. Because, really I am the laziest person on this Earth.


Yaya said...

I'm sorry that you feel this way about yourself. I'll tell you one thing, anyone who can run a blog is NOT lazy. That alone is a full time job!

And you need to do what's right for you. If quitting the extra job brings you sanity, so be it. It doesn't make you lazy at all. You only live once, and you need to make the most of this one life. If you enjoy sitting and writing about the sunset, then do it, and don't feel guilty about it. You are enjoying life.

I'm sorry your mother's words have stuck with you. That's very unfortunate. Please try to push past that and realize you are living a fulfilling life for yourself, regardless of what others think.


Brandy said...

And here I thought I had that title! We can share it if you would like.

No really, we all need some time to ourselves. Taking a much needed break to read, blog or do nothing is not what I would call lazy. It's necessary.

Thanks for stopping by my blog!