Goals, dreams, and wishes

It is now summer, and I am not really going anywhere on any of my goals. It seems that the little bits of life have interfered, or maybe I let them draw my attention away from my goals. Life is important of course, but were these things I wanted to spend time on? Maybe my goals weren't really my goals, just dreams or wishes, or even "shoulds" I have placed in my life. I'll have to think about that.

In the mean time: Goal 1: I haven't lost a pound. The scale hasn't budged, and I think it may be broken, because my clothes are actually TIGHTER!!! I am embarking on a healthy eating plan (never say diet, remember) which involves mindful eating.

When I went on the Best Life Plan (not a diet), I lost weight in the preliminary stage. I kept careful track of my eating, typing it into the Best Life calculator and meal diary. It worked really well for me, because I like to see those numbers. So I thought about what I was eating and what I needed to eat more or less of. I didn't give up anything, I just thought long and hard before I ate some things.

The second stage of the Best Life Plan involved giving up certain foods. Some of it wasn't a problem for me. I eat whole wheat, brown rice, and whole wheat pasta. I like to try new grains. But the Plan asked me to give up all caffeine and full fat cheese. And it was tax season. And that wasn't going to happen. I decided the plan wasn't great for me, because I can't work with any plan that tells me to completely avoid anything. I know I'm contrary, but if you tell me NOT to eat liver, I'd probably crave it, even though I hate the stuff. Since I've only seen I cheese I wouldn't eat one time (it had volcanic ash in it), I'm not going to fare well on a diet without cheese.

So now, I am taking my thoughts and the thoughts and insights of others, and trying to eat mindfully. Annie from writers and witches, and words, oh my! has talked about eating the angel way. It is intuitive, mindful eating (at least as I see it. I'm less spiritual than Annie.) She speaks of eating a rainbow, which ties in with my mother's belief that your plate should be pretty, look at the colors of food and see what works together. By eating a rainbow (fruits and veggies of different colors), you can pretty much cover your dietary needs for vitamins, minerals, and other good things fruits and veggies have. She also talks about white foods, which are protein. Because of her, I realized I am really protein deficient, which explains a lot.

The plan, or lifestyle, is really pretty simple, and makes mindful eating much easier. It's not a matter of eating whatever I want (like the Karmal Sutra dinner plan), but eating what I really need to eat, and being aware of what my body and my mind need and want. Interestingly, I find myself craving pineapple, juicy peaches and strawberries, without the ice cream. And knowing I can have Karmal Sutra means I don't HAVE to have it.

So we will see what eating more protein and lovely fruits and veggies does to my energy levels. And later I'll talk about Goals 2 & 3.

Optimism

I am feeling pretty optimistic these days. Is it the weather? Warm and sunny with an occasional thunderstorm to keep my blood flowing? Is it that school is almost out and Mark and Roslyn will play croquet and badminton all summer (with a time out for pottery camp, zoo camp, soccer camp, and vacation Bible school)? Is it because I've almost caught up with Not Tax Season?

Who knows. I think I'll enjoy it. Lounge in the hammock and read the ten thousand books I got from my friend. Think about a yard sale, a garden, a summer party. And take a nap.

Goals again

I am still struggling with Not Tax Season, trying to catch up with all of the things I couldn't get done before April 15. I am making progress in some areas, though.

I bought a study program from Gleims to help me prepare for the Enrolled Agent Exam. So far, it seems to be really helpful. I can find out what I was missing right away, and figure out why I was confused. I am learning a lot, clarifying more, and feeling pretty confident that when I take the business portion of the SEE in June I'll pass. That is all I need as far as the exam, since I passed the other two parts last year. After the exam, I submit one of the IRS' clear and simple forms asking to be an enrolled agent. They will do a background check to make sure I'm not a criminal, and bam! there I am.

The healthy eating stuff isn't going so well, in large part due to the two for one Breyers ice cream sales the past month. Although my scale hasn't budged up or down, my clothes are shrinking. I'm afraid I have to admit that the scale is wrong, not my clothes. Bob is at least theoretically committed to a walking plan. I mapped out a route that is slightly more than one mile from our house and back. It has some hills, but the neighborhoods are quiet and shady, so it should be a pleasant walk. We'll see. I think we'll start Wednesday morning.

Starting tonight, we eat yummy healthy foods. Really. Bob suggested tostados, which surprised me. When we first married, his idea of a good meal was meat with a side of meat. Now, he likes veggies and more veggies. He doesn't even complain about the whole wheat pasta and brown rice any more.

Organizing is still going on. Cleaning is happening, sort of. Goals are getting closer. And now it's time to get to work.

Rememory

I have been thinking about the way that memory works. There are lots of reasons. For one, I am utterly amazed that two people can see the same thing and remember completely different things, down to directly contradictory direct quotes. But that isn't what I've been thinking about this morning.

I have memories from childhood and beyond that are just bits. I don't remember what happened right before, I don't remember what happened right after. I have other memories that are complete episodes, with scene changes and sound. Why is this?

I like to talk about my experience riding the school bus as a first grader, but I have been thinking about the two memories I have, and I wonder what went in between. I remember getting on the school bus and trying to sit down. A big girl (who was probably 10) told me I couldn't sit there because seats had been assigned. Then the bus driver (who was probably 16) yelled at me to sit down or get off. Since I can't see myself getting off, I must have sat down. I don't remember where or anything else about the bus ride. I just revisit the image I saw, standing in the aisle, staring at a white blur of a face telling me I couldn't sit. I remember the mouth moving. I don't remember the eyes. I know it was a girl.

I also remember hiding behind the bushes, waiting for the bus to come, then going home and telling Mom that I missed the bus. Since I remember the wait being pretty long, I have to think that my parents must have been suspicious. I was wondering if those were my only attempts to ride the bus in first grade. I know we joined a car pool at some point, which was pretty traumatic for Mom. I wonder if I ever rode the bus or if this was what happened in the first two days of school. I remembered just yesterday that before I was yelled at, I had really wanted to ride the bus. Maybe Mom had finally relented, then I changed my mind. I guess I'll never know, since Mom is gone and Dad doesn't remember that sort of thing.

As I write this, I think, good grief, where's your navel? I wonder why this small piece of memory sticks with me and affects my life even today.

I rode the school bus through middle school and part of high school, with many more traumatic incidences, but it is first grade that came to my mind when I decided not to make my kids take the bus to middle school. I decided that there are character building exercises, and there are exercises which tear your soul to shreds in such small ways you don't notice until you go looking for that piece of you. I'm still not sure what the bus ride was. Did I learn compassion because of that cruelty? Or did I become more timid and afraid? Or both.

But that's enough of my navel lint for today.